A few weeks ago, Abbas was acting a bit strange. It appeared to me as if he wanted to say something but was trying hard not to. I didn’t pay much attention to his antics as I know him so well. He just cannot keep a secret and whatever it was that he was hiding would blurt itself out of his system sooner or later. At night, when we were in bed, he told me that one of my uncles had sent a video to him. And that he didn’t want to show it to me as it would make me emotional. Now that he let the cat out of the bag, I was all the more curious to see the video. Reluctantly he showed it to me.
Apparently it was Brother’s Day that day and Sindhu (my sis) had prepared a video for my Sharath (my bro). It was a beautiful video with a heartwarming song in the background. She had chosen images right from childhood to present day. It was so obvious to me that many of the childhood photos had me by their side too but they were cropped to exclude me. I watched the video and did not flinch. I rather appreciated their strong sibling bond and was genuinely happy for them. More than Abbas, I was surprised by my own reaction. In the past, there have been similar instances where it affected me emotionally and felt like a punch in my gut. But this time around, I just admired the thought and love behind that video from a sister to her beloved brother. That’s it.
Recently my Ma (my MIL) sent a a few pictures of when my parents had visited us in Kolkata. The one and only time that it was. It was a very emotional day as that was the only time that I had seen my father cry every in my life. For a daughter, who always did everything in her capacity to please her dad, this was a huge blow to be the reason behind those tears. Looking at those pictures has always been like re-opening a wound that had not even fully healed. But this time, I saw them after ages but I actually laughed looking at myself. In two of the pictures, I had my full focus on eating! I had never noticed it before because all I felt was pain. This time though, it was different. Have the wounds healed completely?
Every year, when the messages for Father’s Day and Mother’s Day go around, it used to affect me. Today when I see the posts by all my friends and acquaintances dedicated to their dads, I did not feel that pain of missing out. I really don’t know what has changed. I’m not even sure if this is a good sign or bad, I’ve slowly and steadily gotten over it. I dunno if I have any hope left of reconciling with my family ever. And it’s surprising that it doesn’t hurt to say this. Having said all that, I still remember them each and every day. Not a day passes without thinking about them. But I only recollect the pleasant and beautiful memories of my childhood and they are frozen in time. I’m happy and content to live the rest of my life with that treasure chest in my heart. Probably for the same reason, I don’t feel any urge to reach out to them and get back in touch any more. I wish them all happiness and health forever and always!
PS: This is how I have been feeling for the past year or so. I don’t know if I’ll chew my own words or have a change of mind but I felt I must document this state of mind while it lasts!