Abbas keeps saying things out of context. His problem is he means to say X but utters Y instead unintentionally. Sample this:
Seemu, there are too many vessel to be to washed today. Don’t bother. I’ll load them into washing machine. (He means the dishwasher)
Mantam, can you please pick your stuff off the floor? I’m gonna microwave this room. (You know what he means, don’t you?)
When it is getting late and Mantam are still loitering around even past their bed time – Seemu, can you please take them along with you and give them a bath? (He meant to say put them to bed)
I tell Abbas to get readymade rotis / tortillas one night as I was very tired and we had some gravy already. Guess what he comes back with! Puff pastry sheets 😛
I ask him to get mushrooms along with a list of some more items. Once he comes back from shopping, we put away things in the right place. Abbas tells me – “Hey, why are you keeping the mushrooms outside? Put them in the fridge”. I get surprised because I did not get to see mushrooms at all among the things he brought? I asked him where the mushrooms were. He showed me a packet of garlic. Duh!! And here I was feeling proud of him for having brought garlic even when I had forgotten to mention it in the list.
Abbas has gone to get the groceries and I message him on whataspp. “Baba, get coriander seeds NOT leaves” as I was damn sure he would goof up otherwise. Even after such clear instructions, what do you expect? My man victoriously comes home with a packet of coriander powder.
One morning, Mantam and I reach the station. I chat with them for a couple of mins and say good bye. Tammu starts laughing uncontrollably. I had to leave immediately to catch my train but I was curious to know what had gotten into her. She wasn’t in a position to utter a word when I asked her why she was laughing, tightly holding her tummy unable to stop. I was getting impatient “Tammu, jaldi bol, kya hua. Bolna jaldi plz, train miss ho jayega”. And then she points her index finger towards my face and continues to chuckle. I then fumble with a hand on my face and try to figure out what’s so hilarious about it. That’s when I have the Eureka moment. I had worn different earrings on each of my ears. One long and thin, other fat and round. I started laughing too but had to quickly run to board that train while removing the mismatched adornments off my ears 😀
Another crazy mad morning… Usually we leave home by 8:10 AM. But that morning was crazy, I started getting ready at 8.10. We managed to leave home by 8.17. Don’t ask me how. I held Mantam’s hand tight and we ran as and where we could. And I patted my back and also Mantam’s as we made just in the nick of time. I didn’t have time to say good-bye to them. I rushed to the train platform. And that is when I had an intuition that I had missed something. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. While I was stepping my way down the staircase to reach the platform, as though my sixth sense guided me, my hands automatically moved near my trouser fly. And I almost exclaimed “Oh S#!t !!!” It wasn’t zipped at all. And to think that I ran all the way from home to bus station, and then to the platform with the trouser in unzipped state was so embarrassing. But you know what? Every cloud had a silver lining. Fortunately for me I was wearing a black trouser with a black undergarment. I chose to think that nobody must have noticed anyway. I held my lunch bag right infront of me as if to safeguard and entered the last carriage which is mostly empty. I quickly zipped and started laughing alone like a maniac.
In the initial months when we were looking for jobs, a friend suggested to join a few meetup groups and attend their events. As getting a job through reference is known to be in vogue here. I went to attend a meetup. People were just casually talking to each other and introducing themselves etc. I was among a group of people and everyone was chatting. Suddenly one of the guys went away and came with a stick sort of a thing which had a number attached to it at the top. We were still yapping away. And suddenly a waiter came with a plate full of French fries and salad. Blessing him for having brought the food at the right time, I quickly grabbed one French fry from the plate. The guy with the numbered stick was shocked and seemed to be in disbelief. Everyone else in the group cracked up and then that guy also started laughing!! The waiter handed the plate to that guy and took the stick away. That is when it dawned on me that he had ordered the food for himself and I had royally taken a French fry even before the plate reached him. I felt so embarrassed and apologized to him profusely. (I was so used to the way starters are served by waiters in parties back in India and anyone could pick it up :-P)
I generally don’t remember my dreams but I’m able to recount this one. It’s about a girl N, who is seeing my cousin P. I have grown so close to N since the past 1 year. She came in my dream one day and this is how the dream unleashed:
N came to our home for a visit. I am like the most authoritative person in our home and everyone listens to me (Only in my dreams!) As soon as N enters our home, I tell everyone to go to the loo and do su-su.
Abbas and Mantam obediently go and pee one after the other. But N bluntly refuses to pee. She sternly tells me in a point-blank fashion “I don’t wanna pee” I get very angry but control my rage.
Next I tell everyone to go and take a shower. And as though habituated in taking my orders, Mantam and Abbas take shower one after the other. But N continues to be adamant in disobeying me. But thinking that she is a guest, I keep quiet and decide to ignore.
But after a while P calls N to check her whereabouts and she starts bitching about me how I tortured her to pee. She asks P to talk to me and make me understand that I am not supposed to tell her when to pee. I tell P how important it is to pee and that I was doing this for N’s good only! P asks me “Your toilet doesn’t have a flush right? That’s why N didn’t want to pee” I get very pissed off at N as she gave misinformation about my toilet to P. I tell him that our toilet does have a flush!!! P tries to calm me down and says “Seemakka, don’t worry. You make Jaljira tea in the evening and give it to her. She is bound to go to the toilet”
Can you beat that???